Memorial Weekend.

i couldn't take things anymore. Too much stress with everything going on. We escaped. At least temporarily. It was all i needed, and i feel much better.

It turns out our digital camera takes videos also (i'm an unapologetic technological idiot). So now i guess i join the ranks of countless thousands of cam-whores out there. So be it. For those of you who would think as such toward me, i have a direct message for you.



As for the various family members we have who may view this now or in the future who 'just don't know what to think about someone like me', and the relationship my boyfriend and i have together, well... here's a spontaneous weekend roadtrip compressed into fifteen minutes (which are split into two parts).





Yep. It's a couple. Aren't we completely strange and alien from any experience you've known before?

H8.

Prop 8 stands.

The financial juggernaut of the christian hate machine has been successful.

For the first time in American history, a minority group has been targeted and had their constitutional rights stripped away. And a state constitution has been altered by a simple majority vote, with the legislative process completely ignored.

LGBT refusing to pay taxes due to unequal representation is a good response. Attacking any existing traditional marriage that has a formerly divorced participant is a good one. But none of those will work. Christian bigots eat hypocrisy for sustenance and ask for seconds every day. Hate can't be reasoned with.

Peaceful protests, calls for patience and hand-wringing never got Blacks anywhere in the past. It took rioting and blood for the hate machine to realize that the oppressed would not stand for inequality anymore. It took city streets burning down.

As has been stated before, you have three methods of change. The soap box, the ballot box, and the ammo box.

For LGBT, the first has been done until blue in the face. The second has failed at the constitutional level.

Seems logical to me what the next step is.

Hierarchy

This has been eating at me for a week. Although i am 'one insignificant t-girl', i need to air this out now for the future.

Something subtle has taken place here and there online when i have tried to voice a contrary opinion. i'm not the greatest at articulating something, and others may have better opinions. But the ones i have are mine. At least up to that point. And they always await possible revision.

It makes no difference to me how many people consider you a 'celebrity'. Titles and hierarchy rank carry no particular weight with me. And any possible respect that could have been earned is lost when titles and hierarchy rank are used as a substitute for a rebuttal to contrary opinions.

'I have been involved for (numerical value) years' is the activist equivalent of 'Do you know who I am'? It is pretentious in the extreme, and one step removed from name-dropping.

Speaking of name-dropping, implying that your opinions as a T somehow hold more weight on a subject because you have had face-to-face contact with highly visible activists is insulting as well as pretentious.

Donna Rose lectured here in the city i live. i planned to attend, and meet with her to ask some questions. That afternoon i suffered a violent attack directly related to being T, and was unable to attend. But other women were able to do so, so their opinions are that much more valuable than mine?

Being privy to specifics of something doesn't necessarily invalidate another's concern for the concept as a whole. Telling me that you know all about the make, model and color of the car does nothing to alleviate my concerns that said car might be going down the wrong road.

i've stated my initial first impression of conservative transsexuals vs. progressive transgenders before. And lately, due to things i have seen and experienced such as this, i'm starting to see things in a new way. As i explained to Zoe, some standing nails do get pounded down. But you harm the structure when you treat screws in the same manner.

Differing points of view leave open the possibility that the knowledge of either side will be considered compromised if not counterproductive to the other's goals. If that is the case, plainly state as such. Don't wrap it in thinly veiled suspicion. It stinks of a 'you are either with us or against us' mentality. Absolutism is a weapon. You better be careful where you point it.

Putting the word 'radical' in my mouth was strike one. Having the nerve to compare me to a christian activist was strike two.

Not the kind of behaviour i expected from a 'hero'.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

My strange, life-long fixation for the living dead continues.

Written by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith, this book does what reviewer Tammy Marshall said best in the Pacific Northwest Inlander.

"Author Seth Grahame-Smith has taken the world of flesh-eating zombies and set them on a crash course with the demure world of Jane Austen in his novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."

"Grahame-Smith's idea was simple: Comb Austen's novel. Every time there's a boring part, add a zombie."

"Suddenly nearly every chapter of Austen's novel of manners is spilling blood."

For added amusement, sample opposing reviews on amazon!

Future Hope 2.

From KETV7, Omaha.

An Omaha couple is allowing their 8-year-old son to openly live life as a girl. It’s a decision that means the child is no longer invited to attend Catholic school.

Excerpts follow.

The mother said the child has consistently asked to be called a girl since she was 4 years old.

“One night, she said ‘Every night when I go to bed, I pray my inside will match my outside. But it never happens,'" the mother said, recalling the words of her middle child.

The child will attend a public school in the fall, using her chosen name and wearing a ponytail in her hair.

“It was not a decision that was made rashly at all. It was a decision to protect her psyche and her self-esteem,” the mother said.

Therapists agree that forcing a person to live in a social role outside their perceived gender is damaging.

"They have lived through nervous breakdowns, suicide attempts and deep depression because they could never truly be themselves."

“Just take the time to listen. It is different. It’s something most people have never heard of, but it doesn’t make it scary or pathological.”

Full story can be found here. CNN has an interview video up as well.

GID Reform Fight.

i am cross-posting something here i wrote responding to a Bilerico article.

It may inadvertently tap into residual 'transgender vs. transsexual' issues that posters and readers have had in the past. i have tried in my personal growth to learn what i can and develop relationships with all sides on the matter. But at the same time, i have no interest in being dragged into whatever happened before between those two parties.

i have an intuitive feeling that any conversation there over what i wrote will become inflamed, and no matter what transpires, i will be the one to 'lose'. So i'm making my point here. Bilerico article reads:

"A coalition of transgender community advocates and mental health providers will gather in San Francisco May 18 to protest how the American Psychiatric Association (APA) is handling revisions to "gender identity disorder" and related diagnoses in their fifth edition of the 'Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders' (DSM-V)."

My response.

"I am a transsexual woman who will be attempting to utilize GID in a court case to force a state to alter my birth certificate. It is a state that refuses to do so even after proof of surgery is presented."

"If Transgender activists have GID removed as a clinical diagnosis, then they have absolutely screwed me."

"i will be left with no other recourse i can see to completely reform my sex and get on with my life, which has been the number one fixated obsession of my broken existence."

"It will effectively enslave me to the GLBT movement, which i have supported in every way i have been capable since before and after dealing with my transsexuality."

"Should this occur, and i cannot achieve my life-saving goal because of the actions of the Transgender community, i will consider it a betrayal too devastating for words."

"And though i am nothing more than one insignificant little t-girl, i will spend the rest of my foreseen future reacting to that betrayal accordingly."

(Very slightly edited).

The initial response was very side-stepping, and avoided my point. i will address that of Kelly Winters (Ph.D).

"This is why a great many of us call for reform and harm-reduction of the GID diagnosis, rather than removal of all diagnostic coding."

This simply is not true. This claim does not ring true to virtually every attitude portrayed which desires to remove clinical diagnosis entirely. Poster ideas being submitted are evidence of this, with one of them clearly stating 'Remove Gender Identity Disorder'. And they deny that this is the goal?

The website encouraging the protests does mention those such as myself at the bottom of their official flyer in an off-hand manner.

"Some advocates and allies believe gender and sexual minorities need a diagnosis in order to have legal rights, medical services, and insurance coverage."

"Others believe we must look beyond these short-term goals to a larger historical context of diagnosing gender and sexual minorities."

My life is not a short-term goal. How dare you? How dare you run me over in your 'larger context'? It is people with mentalities like yours who were responsible for screwing T over with EDNA. Or were you in support of non-inclusiveness for the sake of the 'larger historical context'?

The fact is, i have no choice in my transsexuality. i was born this way, because something somewhere went wrong during the development of my brain in the womb. My legal challenge is that the accepted and proven treatment of transsexuality is transition. And a state refusing to accommodate the treatment of a recognized disorder may as well refuse to build wheelchair ramps at public buildings as well.

You are taking away the fire i intended to fight fire with.

i support the two points you call for. i respect who you are and share your grave concerns (above all the 'treatment' of T youth).

And in theory i could potentially support what you advocate, but it smells like you may be attempting to (inadvertently?) define my gender existence as a choice to be respected, rather than a condition to be recognized. A bigoted court room will swallow a clinical condition long before they ever will a 'lifestyle choice'. And those are the brushes i am forced to paint with, whether i like them or not.

Due to experiences i have had in person as well as online, i am beginning to lose trust in entities that i have donated time and money to, who claim to exist in support of me, but then do not give me any representative help when i need it. This is not limited to the LGBT network, and includes the Human Rights Commission and the American Civil Liberties Union. i have lost count of the number of times i have gone to organizations for help, and been met with absolute indifference or refusal.

Despite this, i continued to support said organizations in every way i could. Like the military, girl scouts or any local fund drive, i supported the LGBT community through donations and votes, even though it became clear i wasn't a part of them.

i am running out of willingness to try and feed from a hand that keeps slapping me.

'Love' 2.0

i present to you a portrait of 'immorality'. He's straight and i'm transsexual, but pretend we're gay anyway, since trivial differences like that are lost on Joe Q. Mouthbreather.

We thought we'd share the moment after finding out how we will be responsible for the downfall of civilization.

Reprinted here from the Chicago Tribune is the brilliant article by Eric Zorn.

Statement No. 1: Same-sex marriage must be forbidden, said the Republican senator from Wisconsin, "simply because natural instinct revolts at it as wrong."

Statement No. 2. An organization opposed to gay marriage claimed legalizing them would result in "a degraded and ignoble population incapable of moral and intellectual development," and rested this belief on the "natural superiority with which God (has) ennobled heterosexuals."

Statement No. 3. "I believe that the tendency to classify all persons who oppose gay marriage as 'prejudiced' is in itself a prejudice," grumped a noted psychologist. "Nothing of any significance is gained by such a marriage."

Statement No. 4. A U.S. representative from Georgia declared that allowing gay marriages "necessarily involves (the) degradation" of conventional marriage, an institution that "deserves admiration rather than execration."

Statement No. 5. "The next step will be that gays and lesbians will demand a law allowing them, without restraint, to . . . have free and unrestrained social intercourse with your unmarried sons and daughters," warned a Kentucky congressman. "It is bound to come to that. There is no disguising the fact. And the sooner the alarm is given and the people take heed, the better it will be for our civilization."

Statement No. 6. "When people of the same sex marry, they cannot possibly have any progeny," wrote an appeals judge in a Missouri case. "And such a fact sufficiently justifies those laws which forbid their marriages."

Statement No 7. Same-sex marriages are "abominable," according to Virginia law. If allowed, they would "pollute" America.

Statement No 8. In denying the appeal of a same-sex couple that had tried unsuccessfully to marry, a Georgia court wrote that such unions are "not only unnatural, but . . . always productive of deplorable results," such as increased effeminate behavior in the population. "They are productive of evil, and evil only, without any corresponding good . . . (in accordance with) the God of nature."

Statement No. 9. A gay marriage ban is not discriminatory, reasoned a Republican congressman from Illinois, because it "applies equally to men and women."

Statement No. 10. Attorneys for the state of Tennessee argued that such unions should be illegal because they are "distasteful to our people and unfit to produce the human race. . . ." The state supreme court agreed, declaring gay marriages would be "a calamity full of the saddest and gloomiest portent to the generations that are to come after us."

Statement No. 11. Lawyers for California insisted that a ban on same-sex marriage is necessary to prevent "traditional marriage from being contaminated by the recognition of relationships that are physically and mentally inferior. . . . (and entered into by) the dregs of society."

Statement No. 12. "The law concerning marriages is to be construed and understood in relation to those persons only to whom that law relates," thundered a Virginia judge in response to a challenge to that state's non-recognition of same-sex unions. "And not," he continued, "to a class of persons clearly not within the idea of the legislature when contemplating the subject of marriage."

"To sum up: Legal recognition of such marriages would offend tradition, God, the sensibilities of the majority and the natural order while threatening conventional marriage, children and the future of our civilization."

"The quotes are culled from a Boston University Law Review article and a brief filed with the U.S. Supreme Court, though I did take the minor liberty of changing the subject of the strangled rage, fear and righteous indignation."

"Everywhere I quoted the speakers referring to same-sex marriage, homosexuality and heterosexuality, they were actually referring to interracial marriage and their views of black people, white people and the proper interaction thereof. And yes, that includes statement No. 6, which in original form articulated the old white supremacist belief that offspring of whites and blacks were--like mules that result when horses mate with donkeys--sterile."

"The quotes date from 1823 to 1964 and, though the sentiments look hatefully ridiculous to us in 1996, they had sufficient appeal and staying power that 15 states still criminalized black-white marriage until the U.S. Supreme Court unanimously overturned those laws in the appropriately named 1967 case, Loving vs. Virginia."

"Those whose unaltered words today resemble statements 1 through 12 above, take note. The stench is familiar. The future is listening."

As i said, brilliant article. Which brings us to now.



Since then, the angry response among fundamentalist christians and homophobic blacks in particular is that it is an invalid comparison. That race and sexuality is like comparing apples and oranges. They are wrong.

The victims of the legislated religious hate are different, but the source is the same. It was 'holy scripture' in the bible that acted as a catalyst and fueled racism, and it is 'holy scripture' that is acting as a catalyst to fuel homophobic hysteria.

And what do said hysterical christian homophobes babble about the downfall of? Of course, The Blessed Children. Rational heads have something to say about the matter.

"Researchers estimate that the total number of children nationwide living with at least one gay parent ranges from six to 14 million. All of the research to date has reached the same unequivocal conclusion about gay parenting: the children of lesbian and gay parents grow up as successfully as the children of heterosexual parents. In fact, not a single study has found the children of lesbian or gay parents to be disadvantaged because of their parents' sexual orientation."

There is a very real possibility that we will adopt in the future, and provide a loving home to a child in need of one. When we decide we're ready, i wonder if we'll be allowed to do so.

If there are any christians reading this, can we be allowed to vote on your marriage, and rip your family apart too?

Future Hope.

If i were lucky enough to have intelligent, educated parents growing up, i would have never suffered a childhood living in confusion and fear of being uncovered as some sort of 'evil faggot' that was 'going to hell'.

i would have never had a nervous breakdown at age 12, and then had my first suicide attempt. i would have never grown depressed, angry and hard at the world, and attempted suicide again at 19. Or grown reclusive and isolated from the world, and attempted it again at 23. Or lived a pointless life of apathy and despair until accidentally stumbling across the answer, much later than i should have.

This little girl has been lucky to get the kind of support she needs. With just a little luck, her life will be a bright one, thanks to intelligent, educated parents who love and support her.



As usual, christians spewing their fearful hate and ignorance are attacking her parents, and in some cases, her. i can only hope that her parents do not let the twisted, religious-based evil of those church-goers sway them from the right path they have allowed their daughter to embarked upon.

Liberty Belle.

i have always had a strange fascination with World War II, and the B17 Flying Fortress for me has always been, like it has for so many others, an icon of the era. The Liberty Belle makes regular rounds across the country, and we had to visit this week when it came our way.

It's been said that 100% of 95% of B17s (and subsequent varients) were constructed entirely by women. Most were done here in Washington State through Boeing, but an unusual cooperation existed among the major airline manufacturers, allowing construction elsewhere as well. Major civil rights advancements were made through the conflicts that waged between black workers and the unions who fought to exclude them before finally relenting toward the end of the war. From the Seattle Civil Rights and Labor History Project -



'With the wartime industry boom, a number of African Americans came to Seattle to work at Boeing, raising the local population over 400%. As was the case in defense industries throughout the nation, many of these workers were women. They had been trained in their local areas by the National Youth Administration, which was created during the 1930s as a way to train young people in trades and then assist them in finding jobs. Once they came to Seattle, many found work at Boeing, although they were still subjected to racial discrimination. Some of the African American women who worked at Boeing during World War II recall their experiences as positive, as they were able to travel away from home, seek adventure, and make more money than they ever had before. However, others remember the discrimination faced in the workplace as they were banned from the union and treated like second-class citizens.'



The drain on the pool of male pilots during the war effort resulted in an elite number of female pilots working for the Air Force in test piloting and transportation. Over 25,000 applied for the program, and less than 1,900 made it. Those that died in the line of duty were not officially recognized for their military service, and it would take a long political fight to achieve their goal, ending with Carter signing legislation to make it a reality.

Things are still not equal. But it's only a matter of time before Girl Power is finally fully recognized. No matter what form it may come in.

Intrusive Test.

So i've been sent this quiz. The goal i suppose is to flesh myself out into a more rounded human being that total strangers can better comprehend. So be it.

Q. What color is your toothbrush?

A. Uhm...white and purple-ish pink. i think.

Q. Name one person who made you smile today.

A. My bird Ellia. Because animals are people too.

Q. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?

A. Fending off the unwanted verbal advances of a delivery driver.

Q. What is your favorite candy bar?

A. 'Symphony' bar. Regular Hershey's chocolate is for the unwashed masses.

Q. Have you ever been to a strip club?

A. No. Only been to a bar once. Virtually my entire so-called family are alcoholics. i avoid them.

Q. What is the last thing you said aloud?

A. "i know, sweety! i saw it! *Very* good!" My bird was pweeping for my attention with some sort of upside-down gymnastic move.

Q. What is your favorite ice cream?

A. Mint chocolate chip. But it's very, very close with a couple of others...

Q. What was the last thing you had to drink?

A. 'A little o' the Red Devil'. My friend's obscure News Radio reference for Crystal Light Fruit Punch. I drink a couple of gallons a day, so if the cancer rumours are true, i'm screwed.

Q. Do you like your wallet?

A. Yes. Finding it involved epic comparison shopping all over town. It holds my phone, it fits in my purse, and it's pink. You'd think that wouldn't be difficult criteria.

Q. What was the last thing you ate?

A. Leftover frozen pizza. Which is a little odd, since my boyfriend and i are pizza snobs, and almost *never* buy frozen. But hey. Pizza is like sex. Even when it's bad, you still want it anyway.

Q. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

A. My boyfriend bought us both new pairs of shoes, just because we were having a really bad day and 'cause he's awesome like that. His are white Sketchers. Mine are grey canvas high-tops with pink heart graphics on the side.

Q. The last sporting event you watched?

A. We both despise sports with a passion, but watch the superbowl with his family out of tradition. Does Ninja Warrior or Unbeatable Banzuki count?

Q. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

A. Kettle Corn. 'Regular' microwave butter popcorn gives me a fierce tummy ache. My boyfriend narrowed it down over time to a specific chemical i can't remember and couldn't pronounce.

Q. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

A. One of the office girls i work with.

Q. Ever go camping?

A. i've probably spent half my adult life in the woods. And i use no tent. But it's something i haven't done for years, since before transitioning. Don't know why.

Q. Do you take vitamins daily?

A. No, but my boyfriend rides me constantly to start taking calcium supplements.

Q. Do you go to church every Sunday?

A. Religion and belief in a higher power is a mental disorder that will eventually destroy us all. i think clearly without enslaving myself to imaginary forces, thanks.

Q. Do you have a tan?

A. My mother is half Native American so my skin is very...no. My grandfather has several different types of skin cancer, and so i use sunscreen SPF 4560 constantly.

Q. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

A. Always. Always asiatic over anything. Chinese, Japanese, Mongolian, Thai...

Q. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

A. Always. i'm not an uncivilized heathen. Straws reduce the possibilities of cavities by 80% as well.

Q. What did your last text message say?

A. i cleaned out my messages. i can't remember exactly what i said.

Q. What are you doing tomorrow?

A. The usual work - home - net - t.v. / x-box with boyfriend week day routine.

Q. Look to your left, what do you see?

A. A blank wall. That'll happen in the center spot of an 'L' sectional sofa.

Q. What color is your watch?

A. i don't wear or own any.

Q. What do you think of when you hear Australia?

A. The commercial trying to get people to take a vacation there. It works on me.

Q. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

A. i have a comical curse that no one believes until they see it. *Every*. *Single*. *Time*. that i go thru a drive-thru, they fuck it up. Eveytime. Forcing me to just give up and go in.

Q. What is your favorite number?

A. Seven. Some pretty interesting ancient Jewish numeric mysticism behind that one. The way Christians are ignorant on the origin of all prominent numbers in the bible floors me. The real mark of the beast is a pretty weird one, too. Not the incorrect mistranslation in the bible.

Q. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone?

A. The human resources representative for the company i work for, making plans to fly into town and take me out to dinner. i offered to answer every trans-centric question she had, no holds barred, and give advice on how to handle the next employee that may come along. She's jumping on it.

Q. Any plans today?

A. Not really. Crack the bronze in a couple of Survivor matches, maybe. 4 minutes is forever.

Q. How many states have you lived in?

A. Four. Never left the Pacific Northwest.

Q. Biggest annoyance right now?

A. The same one i've had since birth. The one between my legs.

Q. Last song listened to?

A. i don't know the title. i listen to music exclusively in my car, and memorize the songs but never pay much attention to the titles. It's the last song on Katy Perry's album. Best one.

Q. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

A. Not even if my life depended on it.

Q. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

A. No. But if we could afford it...

Q. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

A. Pink and white low-top canvas with flowers on them. i have a canvas obsession.

Q. Are you jealous of anyone?

A. Women with curves. i'm 5'8" and 128 lbs. i get set off at women who 'just hate me' for my body. i'd give up wearing a junior's size 5 in a second to not look like a boy or be so stick-like.

Q. Is anyone jealous of you?

A. Probably a few women mentioned above.

Q. Do you love anyone?

A. My boyfriend, unconditionally, with all my heart. My grandparents. A handful of friends and family members less so, tentatively, depending on the way they treat me. i haven't met most of them yet since transition. But we would go years without seeing each other already.

Q. Do any of your friends have children?

A. Yes. And they'll make wonderful parents.

Q. What do you usually do during the day?

A. i do my best to forget about work when i'm at home. i'd rather not get into it.

Q. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

A. Hate is a very strong, hardcore word. And the answer is yes. i'll leave it at that.

Q. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?

A. Yes! Often, actually.

Q. What color is your car?

A. Maroon and black. Her name is 'Tina', after the fairie hanging from my windshield.

Q. Do you like cats?

A. i have twins a few years old, and a fat, cranky 15 year old. i adore them.

Q. Are you thinking about someone right now?

A. Not really...

Q. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

A. Yes, the one in Seattle. It was lame. No Looney Tunes. Just a bad amusement park that had been bought out and co-opted with a sign thrown up.

Q. How did you get your worst scar?

A. When i was about 8 or so, my stepfather beat the crap out of me (as usual) and then threw me down the stairs. When i hit the bottom i landed on a pile of empty coke bottles and they shattered. When the doctor dug the shards out from underneath my kneecap, the scar he left behind made it look like he used a meathook for the stitches.

Too Little Too Late.

It took me several days to swim through it all, and some time each day to stay on top of it.

And the tone and attitude on several recent posts matched the belated, mandatory sincerity i have been given at work to pitch-perfection. Which in turn stamped an official seal on my disgust.